Midlife Crisis: Transition into a New Adulthood, a Spiritual Journey or a Work of Fiction?
By Bridget Avila and Sarah Hagerty
Is middle age the old age of youth or the youth of old age? How you answer that question and how you navigate life’s milestones may prevent you from ever reaching “crisis” mode.
Many of us know of someone—usually a man—who left his spouse and within minutes was remarried to a woman young enough to be his daughter. And did we mention they are expecting twins? But as much as such salacious behavior makes for juicy gossip, it doesn’t address the real issues.
All the stereotypes of extramarital affairs and career change aside, midlife can be a time of deep reflection and change, says Barbara Moses, Toronto-based author of Dish: Midlife Women Tell the Truth about Work, Relationships and the Rest of Life. “A lot of people start to reflect about where they’ve been and where they’re going when they hit their 40s,” she says.
To Moses, the entire notion of a midlife crisis and the search for fulfillment are artifacts of modern life. Compared with ordinary people a century ago, or even 50 years back, many more of us today have the benefit of being able to think about where our lives are going and how meaningful they are. “The ability to have a midlife crisis is a luxury,” Ms. Moses says. “It comes with having the time to even think about your life.”
Crisis or Course Correction?
Baby boomers grew up with the concept of self-examination firmly carved into their psyches. Many of them had the time, education, and urge to try and understand their natures. Those same 76 million people (born between 1946 and 1964, according to the U.S. Census Bureau) now find themselves (at ages 45 to 63) in the thick of the midlife battlefield. To many, aging seems to have come as a bit of a surprise, and they are refusing to go gently into that good night. They are striving to be fit, demanding and discovering life-prolonging medicines and procedures, traveling paths their parents would never have considered, and reinventing the concept of retirement. And they seem to be a bit more content in their own skin. The hanging-on-to-youth, middle-aged gent with the bad “rug,” Nehru suit, and puka beads of a generation ago does not have a modern day equivalent cliché (thank goodness).
Perhaps many have read Gail Sheehy’s groundbreaking book, Passages. Thirty-three years after it was first published, it remains the definitive work on the subject of dealing with adulthood. She is Dr. Benjamin Spock for grown-ups. “Middle age is the time of maximum influence,” Sheehy asserts. “Many people who are younger have power, but influence, which has broader implications, is generally wielded in politics, education, banking, and the community by those who are middle-aged.” Reassuring words.
When it comes to finding reassurance as well as the tools necessary to cope with midlife crises, knowledge is power. The more you know and the more you read, the better prepared you will be to deal with the challenges that face us all eventually…if we’re lucky.
“The 40s, roughly speaking, are the low decade,” says Andrew Oswald, a professor at the University of Warwick in Britain. “If you’re finding your 40s tough, it seems good to know this is completely usual across the rest of the world.” That’s right. We’re all supposed to feel better that there’s a global pattern of midlife misery across gender, education, marital status, number and age of children, occupation and income. Whew. That’s a relief.
Oswald adds, “The good news is, it then picks up, which means that unless lots of bad things happen to you like severe ill health, you’ll be just as happy at 70 as you were at 20 and very possibly happier.” He speculates that this happiness pattern occurs as people confront their limitations and unrealistic dreams in midlife, hitting a nadir in their 40s, then trending upward as they move past their disappointments and become more satisfied with life.
Quarterlife Crisis?
Midlifers, it appears, do not have the corner on negotiating life-stage hurdles. How about all those twenty-somethings moving back in with their parents after college? Apparently they’re freaking out, too. Scholars have recognized this time of late adolescent questioning as a legitimate developmental stage.
“It’s ‘real’ in the sense that many young Americans feel anxiety when faced with a wide range of opportunities in their 20s and are unsure of how to choose from among them,” says Dr. Jeffrey Arnett, author of Emerging Adulthood: The Winding Road From the Late Teens Through the Twenties. “They have grown up as the most affluent generation in American [or world] history, so they have high expectations for life,” Arnett concludes. “They all expect to find a job that not only pays well, but is enjoyable, and they all expect to find their soul mate.”
Resignation or Renewal
So what are 20-, 40-, or 50-somethings to do if a Kevin Spacey in American Beauty-worthy angst hits?
There is always the option of denial—numbing oneself to the prospect of starting over—but that leaves one vulnerable to problems such as depression and alcoholism later on. It’s better to grapple with your issues in a straightforward manner, nasty as that may be. Look at your career and decide whether it resonates with what contribution you want to make to the world. Even scarier can be shining that light of introspection on relationships.
Of course, at the heart of the midlife crisis is, like it or not, death. It’s out there. We know it’s coming. But a greatly increased lifespan has given modern Americans an opportunity to examine what is truly important in our lives, to focus on that and nourish it…while having the luxury of time to do so. Author Sheehy addresses this essential element of longevity head-on: “There must be a reason that we are living so much longer. What are we meant to do with all this leftover life?”
Find your personal answer to that question and, as Auntie Mame so perfectly put it, “Live! Live! Live! Life is a banquet and most poor suckers are starving to death.”
Sailing Through Midlife
Marnie Pehrson, life coach and author of You’re Here for a Reason: Discover & Live Your Purpose, offers these tips for navigating a midlife crisis.
1. Watch your thoughts. Stay on the positive side. Count your blessings and look for the good. If you’re married, avoid dwelling on your spouse’s faults. Look for his/her good qualities instead. Emphasize the good and you'll find more of it.
2. Take up a youthful hobby. What have you always wanted to do but never got around to trying? Riding motorcycles, painting, running a marathon, driving a motorboat?
3. Take “bliss breaks” two or three times a day. These are small 10-15 minute breaks that add joy to your life. Think of the little things that make you happy—hugging a child, kissing your spouse, calling a friend, working in your garden, going for a walk in the sunshine, watching a sunrise or a sunset. Enjoy the small moments!
4. Let music spice up your life. Listen to music that makes you dance, sing, laugh and that reminds you that you’re alive. Turn up the music as you drive and sing along. When you have the house to yourself, blast the music and dance.
5. Lighten up. Spend time with people who look at the lighter side of life. Look for opportunities to laugh. It may be something as silly as having your picture made with a mannequin in a department store or calling a friend who lives miles away and watching the highlights of your favorite TV show together.
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