A pregnant woman, homeless and high, feels her labor pains and walks ten miles to the closest hospital. Her child is born; his tiny body already hooked on the drugs his mother used, reliant on a morphine drip from his earliest moments. Days later, in another county, a young couple receives a call. They have half an hour or less to make a choice: help this baby as foster parents, or not.
It takes a very special sort of person to agree to foster a child. The Anne Arundel County Department of Social Services seeks to protect more than 1,000 children each year from violence, abuse, and childhood trauma. Of these, about 130 children are placed in foster care each year. Some children in the foster care system have loving parents who acknowledge they may not be able to provide for their child or help them to thrive. Others are born to parents who lack the life skills needed to adequately care for a child. Still others suffer the incredible weight of their parent’s own demons. These children come to Social Services via myriad routes: parents who reach out for education, resources, and aid; alerts from neighbors, coaches, and teachers; and, all too often, by obvious abuse and neglect.
In the state of Maryland, there are about 4,700 children in foster care. Children are placed in foster care when Child Protective Services determines that a child cannot safely remain in a home. CPS works with DSS to place the child temporarily with a foster family. In Anne Arundel County, around half of the children in foster care are teenagers. About one quarter are children under one year old, many who have been exposed to drugs. The number of babies born to opioid addicted mothers continues to grow.
In the past, the foster care system, within Maryland in particular, was stereotyped as a place where children were dumped; sometimes used as pawns, frequently moved, frequently abused, and only occasionally, almost miraculously, helped to elevate their lives beyond the trauma of being born into a bad situation. Anne Arundel County is driven to change this stigma.
Carnitra White, executive director of Anne Arundel County Department of Social Services, has put in place a team that works tirelessly to coordinate resources and programs that promote the safety of vulnerable children and the building of strong, resilient families. These programs are rooted in the theory that building strong families is the key to supporting children and hopefully, to mitigating the need for removal of a child into a foster home. At a minimum, these programs help to ensure that children are in the foster care system for the least amount of time possible and that family reunification—the system’s ultimate goal—is both expedient and successful.
The mission of the foster care system in this county is to keep children in their communities, in their schools, near their friends, and close to their families. There is a high priority on minimizing children’s emotional stress while their family is in crisis. To realize this goal, a team of social workers is on call at all hours to help children and families. A variety of assistance programs and mentoring opportunities are available to families, as are the benefits of tight relationships formed between Social Services and local nonprofit groups such as CASA (Court Appointed Special Advocates), Blue Ribbon Project, and organizations that help coordinate the early intervention, medical care, and emotional counseling offered to foster children free of charge.
This extensive network of mentors, volunteers, childhood development experts, legal experts, social services professionals, and government agencies are all heroes. But perhaps the greatest heroes of all are the foster parents themselves. Foster care parents come from every sector of our community: married couples, single individuals, folks from every size, shape, color, ethnicity, economic background, gender, or sexual orientation. Their common thread is a deep desire to help children in desperate need.
Foster families assume all the responsibilities of typical parents, plus so much more. They take on this responsibility, this charge, knowing that ultimately, the child will always have a place in their heart, but perhaps not permanently in their home.
Social services is very clear with foster families: the goal is reunification with the biological family. This means that when a foster parent commits to welcoming a child into their arms, they do so knowing that at any time, that child may be removed and returned to their family or another relative.
Foster families also welcome a child at a moment’s notice. Most foster parents learn they’ve been matched with a child and will need to make a decision about moving forward in the space of about thirty minutes. They are prepared to do so. Social Services has a deep and extensive vetting process for foster parents, who are required to have full background checks, home visits, and hours of in-person training. This training prepares them for some of what lies ahead: interfacing with dozens of agencies and experts, interacting with biological families, preparing their home, and of course most of all, understanding the physical, emotional, or mental challenges their future foster child may face.
All the training in the world can’t prepare a well-intentioned foster family for the arrival of their foster child, but universally, the families I spoke to had no hesitation about welcoming that arrival with open hearts and minds. In this way, they have the ability to change the trajectory of a child’s life.
Because They Can
Jennifer Reynolds is a Pediatric Nurse at Anne Arundel Medical Center. In her many years working in the NICU, she’s seen social workers pacing hallways, waiting hours on benches, calling frantically to find foster parents for infants recently born. Her husband Donnie grew up with foster care siblings and knew the sorts of stories Jennifer would bring home all too well. Jennifer and Donnie have three biological children, but felt they had space in their home and in their hearts to help others. “We had been talking about what we saw as a need that we could fill. We have an extra room and we wanted to help our community. I saw babies at AAMC and social workers on the phone for hours looking for a family member or foster family to help and we decided that was something we could do,” Jennifer says.
Jennifer and Donnie applied to be foster parents, agreed to the background checks, facilitated home visits and rigorous inspections, and attended hours of training, and then waited for six months for the call. When it finally came, the request was to care for a month-old, drug-exposed child. They had twenty minutes to decide. With Jennifer’s experience as a nurse and their strong family structure, they welcomed their foster son with open arms. “The worst day for a foster parent caring for a child who comes to them because of abuse or neglect is the day you send them back to their biological family, because as adults we know what we’re sending that child back into,” Donnie says. In the case of their foster son, they experienced a roller coaster of emotion as the county looked for relatives capable of caring for him, as they tried to arrange life skills classes for the mother and parenting classes for the father. “The system gives the parents so many chances to succeed the best they can,” Donnie continues “They pay transportation to get to visits, provide classes, forgive multiple no-shows, disappearances or lack of communication, because they really have to prove that they’ve done everything possible to help the parents and reunify a family.” For Jennifer and Donnie’s son, those efforts did not succeed. Ultimately, the father realized that his son could have a better life with the Reynolds family, and signed over his rights.
Sometime later, the Reynolds received another call about another baby, this one just days old. This baby too, had been exposed to drugs and this baby too would require intense therapies to heal. In a twist of fate, this baby shared the same biological mother as the Reynolds’ adopted son. Completely strung out on drugs, the mother knew she could not take care of her child and wanted him to be with his brother.
In the case of their second child, Jennifer and Donnie were able to care for him from his earliest moments, including monitoring his medical care and advocating for the best treatments. “Through the foster care social workers, we had access to visit our son in the hospital when he was days old,” Jennifer says. “We knew that his treatment needed to be consistent and to have a long-range plan, because any lack of that type of treatment has long term effects on children’s bodies.”
For the Reynolds, life with their three biological children and two adopted sons is not easy but is fulfilling and life affirming. Both boys face challenges from their early exposure to drugs. But both are now safe in the arms of the heroic Reynolds family, including grandparents, uncles, aunts, cousins, and a network of extended family, who wouldn’t have it any other way.
No Matter the Circumstances
Oscar and Michelle Luna tried for the better part of a decade to have children. When their efforts were unsuccessful, they discussed foster care. From the beginning, their steadfast partnership and excess of love proved to be what would get them through what became a harrowing situation.
After attending foster parent training, the Lunas spent several months making sure every single box was checked in the long list of batteries required for them to be matched with a child: background check (check), home safety inspections (check), medical (check), back-up drivers for school (check), and on and on. As they moved through the inspections, they also had to clarify exactly what type of child they could welcome into their home. “We knew that we needed both of our salaries to meet our financial goals, so we knew we needed a school-aged child. We really had to do our plusses and minuses and have a clear expectation,” Oscar explains. They were asked about age, race, handicaps, or other health concerns. “We said we could take a Hispanic child because Oscar speaks Spanish,” Michelle says “We were open to someone who might have disabilities, because I’m a nurse. We almost called to say we don’t want someone with an allergy to nuts because we eat so much peanut butter!”
Oscar and Michelle also had to decide if they wanted to foster a child for a period of time or be open to adoption. “Ultimately, we decided together that we will give our best to whoever comes to our house”, Michelle says. “Every child loves their parents, their mommy and their dad. There is nothing more beautiful than the love of a child. We cannot take the place of a mother or father, but we want to have an imprint on this child’s life.”
After several calls for fostering that did not work out, the fourth call was unique. The child they were matched to was with another foster parent who couldn’t continue care because of a job change. The match was unusual because Oscar and Michelle were able to meet with their child, bring him to their house, and let him interview them. The child had siblings, but DSS and the biological parents decided it would be best for him to live with the Lunas on his own. He agreed, and then the rush was on.
“Our child came to us the week before school started,” Oscar explains “We had a week of him going to camp and then we had to get him in third grade and figure out transportation, before and after care, and all the practical details. Now this seems easy because we’ve been through it, but at the time, I was making calls and figuring it out.”
The Lunas were in regular contact with their child’s birth mother as these important decisions were made, including one to send him to his current school, rather than one just a mile from their home. “It was good for him to have continuity in his life, and social services provided transportation to get him to school,” Michelle says.
After some time, Michelle noticed the child seemed to be a little off. As a nurse, she looked to his eating and resting. He stopped eating, was constantly tired, and would vomit after meals. Alarmed, Michelle rushed him to the hospital. Their son had a large tumor in his head, was immediately transferred to Johns Hopkins and prepared for major surgery.
Social services worried that this major medical condition, which proved to be incurable, might lead them to back out of their commitment as parents, but they felt strongly that they were in every sense possible this boy’s family. “We said we made a promise to him that we would take care of him and that’s what we’re doing,” Michelle says. “We were like what do you mean give him back! We told them we’d made plans for our work and adjusted our schedules and we’re on board.”
Oscar and Michelle’s foster son lived with them for two weeks shy of a year, about fifty weeks, before reunifying with his mom and stepdad. They spent much of that year going to radiation treatments five days each week and to chemotherapy for months. “This is what life throws you, we never thought this is what would happen,” Oscar says. “We told our son: the only guarantee that we will make to you is that you will be with us until you go home. We will take care of you.”
Michelle and Oscar haven’t been matched with another child since their son returned to his birth family. They see him regularly, and continue to encourage his mother, who has four other children. Their goal is to have another foster child. “It is so gratifying,” the Lunas said together. “I just want to make some kind of impression on a child’s life, if he or she takes something that he learns from us, to know we made a tiny impression, and had a part in placing that little glimmer of hope in them,” Michelle adds.
A Love Beyond
Katie Fitzsimmons is a foster mom and President of the Anne Arundel County Foster Parent Association. In a recounting of her experience, she reiterates the importance of loving the biological parents. “When our son first came home, I wanted to Mama Bear him, protect him from his past,” she says. “I compared us to his bio parents. I judged them and thought, if they really loved him, they would change. It put me in a mindset that wasn’t helping me, our family, or our son’s bio parents. I really struggled. I didn’t like seeing them. It was a hard reminder they were his parents, not me.” Katie and her wife realized that, ultimately, they wanted the parents, who truly wanted their son to be safe, to succeed. They began engaging wholeheartedly with a variety of agencies to help them do so.
In her work with the Foster Parent Association, Katie advocates with a broad spectrum of agencies and organizations to protect foster parents, better support foster children, and advocate for biological families. “Foster parents are low on the totem pole,” she explains. “The priority is first the kids, then the biological parents, then and the foster parents. The Foster Parent Association steps in and does advocacy for the parents and offers advice and support.”
In her work now, Katie sees firsthand the heroic role that foster parents play in the life of a child. “The role of foster parents now is becoming more critical and more integral in the life of kids in our care. It takes one engaged adult to change the trajectory of a child’s life.”
Defining Foster vs. Adopt
A Foster Parent:
• Cares for a child until the parents can resume responsibility or until a relative or adoptive family can be found
• Commits to helping a family through a difficult time
• Carries out decisions made by the agency and/or child’s parents
• Provides support to ensure the child maintains a relationship with his/her biological parents
• Supports the agency’s efforts to reunify the child with his/her birth Parents
An Adoptive Parent:
• Commits to life-long care for the child
• Assumes parental rights
• Maintains full financial responsibilities for the child’s care
• Navigates relationship with biological parents (in an open adoption)
