Most of us want and seek connection—with friends, with family, with romantic partners. Having relationships with others feels good. And there’s a reason for that: It’s because relationships are healthy for us, physically and mentally. But fostering and maintaining healthy relationships isn’t always intuitive or easy. What’s worse, an unhealthy relationship can be as bad for us as a healthy relationship is good.
So, how do we recognize healthy relationships? It might be easier than you think, according to Elisabeth LaMotte, a D.C.-based member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy. “One simple way to assess the health of any relationship is to notice how you feel around the person,” she says. “Do you like who you are in their presence? Can you show up as your best self, and is there room for that version of you with them?”
LaMotte explains that this matters especially in romantic partnerships because people tend to be most vulnerable with their partners, and partners receive a significant portion of a person’s emotional energy. But the same principles apply to friendships. “Shared values and a sense of emotional safety are also strong indicators of a healthy connection,” she says.
And it’s not just extroverts. Sure, some people who are more introverted might enjoy their alone time, but that doesn’t exempt them from the need for relationships, as Sandra Wartski, Psy.D., licensed psychologist, points out. “Humans are social beings, and the importance of having some sort of regular connection with other humans has been supported repeatedly through sociological research,” she says. “We know that extraverts ‘fill their battery’ through social contact, but even individuals who might be considered more introverted or private can benefit from the healing properties of social connection.”
Benefits of Healthy Connection
Research shows that a supportive community is good for your physical and emotional well-being. The primary reason for this? Being around people who care about us (and whom we care about) releases feel-good hormones and helps us manage stress:
- Oxytocin is a hormone our bodies release when our bodies feel affection, according to Laura Silverstein, LCSW, a certified couples therapist and author of the book Love is an Action Verb. Oxytocin is one of many hormones that release positive feelings in our body.
- When our bodies release feel-good hormones and endorphins, we enjoy a range of positive physical benefits. “People in healthy, long-term relationships have a longer life span, increased immune system, and decreased risk of heart disease and high blood pressure,” Silverstein says.
- We stress less. The American Heart Association lists physical intimacy, even something as minimal as holding hands, can lower our stress levels.
- Supportive people tend to inspire us. As LaMotte says, “Healthy relationships replenish emotional energy and help us expand our thinking, creativity, and sense of possibility.”
- Finally, somebody who cares about you will motivate you (either actively or passively) to take better care of yourself. When we feel valued, we tend to engage in healthier lifestyle practices.
Don’t Mistake Conflict for a Bad Thing
If you experience some kind of conflict with your friends or romantic partner, that’s a bad sign—right? Not necessarily. In fact, conflict could actually be a sign of a healthy relationship, as long as you respond to it properly.
“Conflict is not only inevitable in intimate partnerships—it’s also healthy,” LaMotte says. “Two people will always bring different histories, preferences, and perspectives, and they won’t naturally align all the time. Being engaged enough to disagree is actually a sign of investment. What matters is how partners manage conflict and how they repair afterward.”
She explains that a real, intimate relationship comes from seeing another person’s flaws and being comfortable enough to express a want for change. In turn, this requires people to listen, take responsibility, and return to connection, all of which will deepen trust and resilience.
Conflict usually means you’ve gotten something out of you—and that’s healthier than the stress of carrying negativity around with you. Avoiding conflict? That usually sets you up for resentment, which isn’t healthy, Silverstein says. “Resentment increases your risk of ulcers, heart disease, and stroke, and high conflict relationships lead to increased blood pressure, inflammation, and chronic stress and anxiety,” she explains.
Some ways to make healthy conflict work in your favor, according to the nonprofit group Mental Health America, include: Acknowledging the part you played in a problem and taking responsibility for it. Engaging in specific requests instead of overgeneralized statements. Asking for quality time with a partner is better than saying you never spend enough time together. Demonstrate empathy and grace for others by recognizing their side of the situation. Their actions that might have hurt you could make perfect sense from their perspective. Remember a person’s good qualities and focus on those instead of the qualities that are affecting you negatively.
“I’m Disconnected From Others— How Can I Meet People and Build Relationships?”
“Building new relationships often requires stepping into unfamiliar or uncomfortable situations,” LaMotte says. “The best approach is to start with activities that genuinely matter to you: take a class, join a running or hiking group, volunteer, or become involved in a faith-based community. When you engage in experiences that nourish you, you’re more likely to meet like-minded people—and even if you don’t, you’ve still spent your time doing something meaningful to you.” And even though in-person interaction is ideal, it’s not always possible, so don’t underestimate the power of a phone call, text message, or email, according to Wartski. You’re still interacting with someone who cares about you in those cases. “Sharing a moment of connection or shared reflection often helps us to feel less alone, and this improves our mental health,” she says.
Need ideas for establishing new relationships? Some great ideas for meeting people (or bonding with people you already know) include:
- Enroll in a class or join a club to meet people who share a common interest with you.
- Volunteer, which will connect you with people who share your values and give you a goal to work together toward.
- Keep a list of people you want to stay in touch with and leave yourself reminders to reach out to them—even if it’s just a text message to check in.
- Learn to listen and learn to express your feelings. Repeating what you heard helps you internalize what’s being communicated to you, and expressing your feelings ensures nobody is misinterpreting you.
