Contemplate the important stuff... before your wedding.
Dunks Photo
Jody and Dale Walls celebrated twenty years of marriage in January with a vow renewal celebration at the Chesapeake Bay Beach Club’s Tavern Ballroom.
Engagement, by its very nature, is hype. Send an affianced woman into a room of besties, strangers, whoever, and there will be gushing. Everyone wants to admire the ring. Everybody wants to hear the story. If they’re old, they want to reminisce about being young and in love. If they’re young, they want to know all the details of the wedding to come. And so, the focus of planning flits to party prep, instead of on the fundamental part, i.e. the marriage itself. This is a bad setup. Marriage is hard. Marriage requires maintenance. Married people need to develop skills, like forgiveness and compromise and expectation-management, that aren’t exactly innate. After all, you probably won’t love your partner every single day of your life. You will have lows in your relationship. This doesn’t have to negate your vows—if you start prepping now. How do you stay married? The same way you stay employed or fit. You show up. You do the work. You identify areas of weakness and seek improvement.
The Rules
Learn to Accept Feedback
If money is the number one issue in relationships, defensiveness is a close second. In fact, it’s one of the “Four Horsemen” that the Goffman Institute uses to predict the end of a marriage (the other three are criticism, contempt, and stonewalling.) “In a healthy relationship, both partners are hoping to influence each other in a positive way,” explains Chelsea Haverly, the co-founder of Anchored Hope Therapy. “But when one partner is unwilling to change, unwilling to talk, unwilling to accept feedback, that’s a red flag.”
Learn How to Fight Well
When we’re angry with our partners, it’s easy to fight dirty. We slip into absolute speak, using “always” and “never” like moral battering rams. “‘Always’ and ‘never’ are a trap,” Haverly says. Instead of clarifying problem areas, these terms amplify conflict and imply unilateral blame. Successful couples, in contrast, know how to express their needs without criticizing. “Being able to repair and exit an argument effectively is [so essential],” Haverly explains. A few strategies: using humor, offering empathy, adopting a team mentality, and taking breaks if the conversation becomes too heated.
Learn to Ask for Help Early
Typically, the average couple waits six years before asking for help. “This is way too late!” Haverly says. “Couples’ work goes really quickly if you address it when it happens, but it can be difficult when you’re already at the tail end of a relationship,” she adds. The best time to seek therapy is before resentment builds up.
Test Your Marriage IQ
(Answers are included below.)
1. The average marriage lasts this many years.
2. In the United States, between and percent of first marriages end in divorce.
3. True or False: Women are more likely to file for divorce than men.
4. This state has the highest divorce rate.
5. This city has the highest percentage of divorced residents in Maryland.
1 of 8
Dunks Photo
Jody and Dale Walls celebrated twenty years of marriage in January with a vow renewal celebration at the Chesapeake Bay Beach Club’s Tavern Ballroom.
2 of 8
Dunks Photo
3 of 8
Dunks Photo
4 of 8
Dunks Photo
The secret to their success? Solo vacations, communication and lots of laughs. “Every year we go away just the two of us," says Jody. "We have people that say, I can’t believe you leave the kids or your business, but we do it and we do it every year because it’s necessary.”
5 of 8
Dunks Photo
6 of 8
Dunks Photo
7 of 8
Dunks Photo
8 of 8
Dunks Photo
Answers
1. Seven
2. 40 and 50
3. True. Women initiate 70 percent of divorces. However, in non-marital heterosexual relationships, men and women are equally likely to pull the plug.
4. Nevada. In this state, 20 out of every 1,000 married people divorce.
5. Edgewater. Sixteen percent of the population in Edgewater is divorced, as compared to ten percent statewide.
