Photos Courtesy of: Laura Bell, Memento Weddings, and Kir Tuben Photography
Celebrating with your friends and family is one of the best parts of a wedding day.
But, let’s be honest, trying to figure out who gets to come can be a bit overwhelming. With friends, family, and coworkers to choose from, it can be difficult to determine exactly who gets to be in attendance when you say, “I do.”
Everyone wants to be invited to a wedding and no couple wants to hurt feelings. Ultimately, some people get the invitation in the mail and others don’t. But where do you draw the line? Before you pick out that beautiful invitation suite and send your save the dates, you’ll have to make some important decisions about who makes the list.
Imagine the Ambiance
While you may not have all the details worked out, you probably have concepts of your ideal wedding day. You don’t have to settle on an exact number, but rather simply have an idea of the ambiance of the event. “Consider if you want a more grand celebration or a more intimate gathering,” say planners Tori Wolfgang and Ali Mulford of Victoria Alexandra Events. The atmosphere you’re after can help guide you on a guest count and who would make the list. With more intimate affairs, you can limit the list to your closest inner circle. On the other hand, larger celebrations can extend invites a little further.
Budget Always Comes Into Play
The guest list affects nearly every detail of the wedding. You might not know who every name on the list will be early on, but that estimated number will come into play from the start. Choosing a venue is often the first time a couple will have to have a number. You may have your eye set on a space and are willing to have the guest count they can accommodate. “If someone has had their dream wedding venue picked out since childhood, then sure, base your guest count around that,” says Michaela Bussey of Olive+Oak Event Co. But in most cases, she suggests, “having at least a rough idea of your guest count before you start venue shopping.”
The way guest count and budget intertwine will affect catering and drink costs, seating, invitations, favors, and ambiance, along with the quality of each. “A 50-guest wedding on a $100k budget is very different from a 200 guest wedding using the same budget,” explains SRS Events planner Stephanie Sadowski.
Turn Numbers Into Names
Many professional planners recommended categorizing guests. Yes, it may sound harsh, but it’s a good way to organize; and guests don’t have to know in which category they fall. Create simple categories like immediate family, extended family, college friends, and work friends. Use a tiered system, with the first tier being immediate family, your close friends, and wedding party. In Tier 2, extended family, including aunts, uncles, cousins, and longtime friends. The final third tier includes colleagues and acquaintances.
Another version is the ‘must, plus, feel’ rule, suggests Bussey. These categories are for guests that, “must be there, [are a] plus to be there, [and] feel like they need to be there.” If you must start trimming, guests in these lower categories would be ones to be first on the chopping block.
“Be mindful of balance,” says Katie Falatako of LF Weddings and Events. “If [you] invite one cousin, it’s courteous to invite others in the same category.” So, that often means if you plan to invite one first cousin or one set of aunts and uncles, you should invite the rest as well.
Who Gets a Date?
Extending plus ones can be tricky, especially since they can quickly double a guest count. It’s wedding etiquette to invite both partners of a married, engaged, or long-term couple. And it’s generally accepted to give guests who may not know other people an opportunity to bring someone. It’s “recommended that all the wedding party be allowed to bring a guest, for their contribution to the wedding,” Sadowski explains. Beyond that, it’s up to the couple’s discretion to extend plus ones.
The Kid Debate
Kids are another tricky guest situation and ultimately, it’s up to the couple whether to have a child-free wedding or let kids join in on the festivities. Consider the desired tone of the wedding, budget, and venue restrictions. Some couples might be fine with allowing all kids to come while others may prefer to set an age limit. “The key is to decide early and be consistent in how the rule is applied,” Falatako says. If you set a rule of 13 and older, it should apply to all kids being invited.
However, there are some exceptions to a no- or some-kid rule. The couple’s children, close nieces and nephews, and kids in the wedding party are common exceptions. “It’s perfectly reasonable to invite some kids and not others,” Wolfgang and Mulford say. “But you should be prepared to explain why.” Be ready to explain that you’re only having certain kids invited if a parent asks and stand firm on your decision.
Allowing Parental Input
Since it’s a major celebration for both families, parents may want to share the moment with their friends. If parents are contributing financially to the wedding, it’s customary to allow them some input within reason. Even if they aren’t contributing, it may still be polite to ask if there is anyone they want to invite. It’s important to set early expectations regarding how many guests they’re allowed to invite. Give each set of parents the maximum number of guests they can invite.
Of course, it’s still your day, so if you want to be in total control of the guest list, you can be. If that’s the case, let parents know and express that you’re not trying to keep them out of the planning process. “[Frame] the conversation around [your] vision rather than outright denying input,” Falatako suggests.
Making the Final Cut
At the end of the day, it’s all about who you and your partner want to celebrate with. That sentiment along with venue capacity and financial parameters may mean some people don’t make the final cut. “Leave out anyone you haven’t spoken to in the past three years,” Wolfgang and Mulford say. Don’t feel guilty about not inviting colleagues or acquaintances. Don’t feel pressured to invite distant relatives. And don’t add people who cause stress or drama for the sake of saving face.
Guests at your wedding should be those you with whom you have meaningful connections and whose love you want to be surrounded by. As Falatako put it, “If a name on the list doesn’t contribute to that, it’s okay to let them go.”
